Glamorous Old Hags

On the myth of age-appropriate dressing.

The concept of “dressing your age” has been knocking around in my head ever since I was a teen. I remember watching the Julia Roberts rom-com My Best Friend’s Wedding and thinking, “Am I going to have to dress like THAT when I get older?” The film centered around the fact that Roberts’s character made a deal with her longtime dude best friend (Dermot Mulroney) that if they were still single at age 28, they’d marry each other as if they were about to turn into cryptkeepers. Clearly, there were a lot of problematicas with that film, but none more to me than the fact that she wore a big ol’ blazer. (I was a baby goth at the time. I also thought 28 was “old,” as any teenager might.)

Offscreen, Roberts had a thing for the oversized suit, and she always pulled it off. I know Balenciaga recently put out some cartoonishly oversized suits in the fashionsphere; everyone looking like a damn Dick Tracy villain, lmao. But I digress. Later, when I turned 30, I again wondered how I’d dress in 10 years or so. At that time, I was a knee sock devotee (still love ‘em), often pairing them with short babydoll dresses. A few years ago, when I was approaching 40, I started to think about “dressing older” more and more. 

Batsheva Hay’s FW24 collection was modeled entirely by women over the age of 40 instead of the token one or two on the runway. Hay, who’s 42, said fuck-y’all to an industry in which the young are historically favored, and anyone older might as well be invisible. The standout piece was a sweater emblazoned with the word “HAG.” (There’s a “Spinster” version, too.) Youth might be wasted on the young, but they’ll catch up to the rest of us hags at some point, anyway. 

Ruminating about dressing older isn’t unique, of course. Many other women have these thoughts and write about them, too. Some even set “fashion rules” for themselves, which isn’t really my thing. Anyone should wear whatever they want so long as they feel good in it, especially Dolly Parton.

Despite my disdain for fashion rules, I have noticed my tastes evolving. Much to my momma’s pleasure, I don’t like wearing anything too short anymore (unless I’m wearing tights). But please, it’s in no way an attempt at modesty (cleavage remains my favorite accessory). I find myself reaching for more body-hugging pieces instead of a fit and flare silhouette, even though it was a mainstay in my wardrobe for years. I also can’t help but love the no pants/black tights “trend” because it reminds me of Edie Sedgwick’s trademark look, which I always considered the perfect at-home uniform!!!

How we dress shouldn’t feel like a barometer for age but rather a way to express ourselves, so if you’re 50 and want to wear booty shorts, I won’t stop you! Still, “dressing younger” won’t stop Mean Ol’ Daddy Time, either. My body and health are already doing ALL KINDS of fun things that remind me that I’m not in my 20s anymore, despite the fact that #1, I’m Baby, and #2, I purchased a pair of Delia’s pinstripe overalls as if I time-traveled back to 1997. And even though I pretend to “stop counting time” like Prince did and celebrate my “anniversary” every year like Mariah Carey, I am grateful to grow older. It is a privilege and blessing. 

If you ever feel like an old hag in need of some sartorial inspiration or good old perspective, I implore you to look at the icons of Advanced Style or Colleen Heidemann or Baddie Winkle. (RIP Iris Apfel!) Or binge-watch a few episodes of Dynasty, a show created to “bring power and glamour to the over-40 woman.” And don’t forget to look to Dolly, who is always having a good time. Then, take your beautiful wrinkly meat sack for a walk by the ocean or underneath some trees. 

I adore the idea of the Hag sweater, but I would need something more to my liking: a baby tee bedazzled with the word “Crone.”